How to Heal from a Breakup
Breakups can be excruciating. You can find yourself feeling lost, broken and devastated. You may feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. The life you were living and the future you imagined have vanished leaving you with heart break which can feel at times like actual physical pain.
Research done by Fisher et al has shown that the emotional pain we feel is registered in the brain the same way physical pain does. In addition, the drop of the feel good hormones of oxytocin and dopamine which we experience when we are in love are replaced by cortisol, the stress hormone which can result in us feeling anxious, depressed, irritable and struggling with insomnia. (Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010)).
When we experience the drop in the love hormones which can feel addicting, we may find ourselves scrambling to feel them again; to get our fix. We may try contacting the person, looking at their social media and focusing only on the good of the relationship. Unfortunately, this can only result in prolonged heartache.
So what should we do to heal from heartbreak? The following are some researched backed steps supported by a study done by Langeslag and Sanchez (2018):
1. Go cold turkey- This means until you have come to a place of acceptance and are further along in the grieving process, DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX! Create a cope ahead plan for those vulnerable moments when you find yourself yearning to connect with your ex. For example, delete their phone number, social media, etc. Pack up old pictures or objects that remind you of your ex. Have a list of other things you can do when feeling the temptation to reach out to them such as calling a friend, going on a run, or taking a shower. Write down all the reasons the relationship ended so you can easily remind yourself why it is important to not connect at this time.
2. Focus on the negative parts of the relationship- Many people in the beginning of a breakup tend to focus on all the good moments and memories. The problem with this is that it can give you a jolt of those love hormones resulting in a small fix. In order to heal, you need to remember the reasons why the relationship ended. Make a list of the unfixable problems, the things that frustrated you about your ex, and the negative feelings you had while in the relationship. Once you are no longer in the throes of grief and have come to acceptance, you can remember a more balanced perspective integrating the good and bad of the relationship and thanking the relationship for the lessons you learned.
3. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. It is important to lean on your social supports to get the love and nurturance you need at this time.
4. Distract yourself- It is helpful to engage in activities you enjoy in order to steer your mind away from focusing on your heartache. Try learning something new. Create a new goal to achieve.
5. Work on yourself- you are not exactly the same person you were prior to the relationship. Reconnect with who you are now. Honor your truth. Allow yourself to lean into all your feelings. Recognize all your strengths and what you have learned about yourself and how you are in relationships. Have compassion for yourself around any missteps you took in the relationship. Take this time as an opportunity to integrate the lessons you learned from the past relationship.
If you are finding it is difficult to do this on your own, reach out for extra support such as therapy. You do not need to walk this path toward healing alone. As cliché as this may sound, if you take this opportunity to engage in healthy healing as difficult has it may be, in time the yearning and grief will subside. With the lessons learned about yourself and the growth you have done, you will be able to love again.
(Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009)
(Langeslag, S., & Sanchez, M. E. (2018)). Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up: Self-report and electrophysiological data. Journal of experimental psychology. General, 147(5), 720-733. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000360)
For the Motherless Mother on Mother's Day
For the Motherless Mother on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can be especially hard for those of us who have lost our mothers and are currently mothers. You may be asking yourself how can I celebrate this day and embrace the love my children and my partner are bestowing upon me while grieving the loss of my mom?
I’ve spoken with women who say they feel like they are wearing a mask and faking the enjoyment as their children give them homemade gifts. I’ve heard women say I just avoid thinking about my mom and yet find myself irritable and unable to enjoy the day.
Greif is an interesting thing. If we don’t lean into it and acknowledge it, it can pop up in unexpected ways. So how do you simultaneously lean into the grief of the loss of your mom and accept and embrace the love and appreciation your children are giving you on this special day.
First, I think it’s important to accept that when we loose someone significant in our lives we are forever changed. We are welcomed into a club that we never wanted to belong to and yet here we are. Grief just doesn’t go away if we ignore it, compartmentalize it or run from it.
We have to accept that grief walks alongside us. We have to work on creating a healthy relationship with our grief.
Grief represents the love, the attachment, the bond we felt for our mothers. By acknowledging this we can start not only accepting it but also embracing it. Remembering all the wonderful memories, lessons and love our mothers gave us. Acknowledging that our mothers are part of us and one of the ways we express that on a daily basis is through our mothering of our children. Many mothers have moments good and bad where we find ourselves saying or acting exactly how are mothers did. Our mothers influence the way we parent; for some of us we want to parent exactly the way they did while for others our mothers have taught us that we want to parent differently.
On this Mother’s Day, for all the motherless mothers my hope for you is that you can start working toward the ability to hold both the grief you feel for the loss of your mom and the love and appreciation you are receiving from your children. Some ways to do this are the following:
Create a ritual to remember your mother. You can decide if it feels better to do this alone or with your children. For example, my mother loved to garden her whole life. I have memories of her proudly watering the freshly planted flowers in the front yard. Every Mother’s Day since her death my children and I plant flowers in remembrance of her.
Carve out time on Mother’s Day to be alone to journal or reflect on the grief you are feeling.
Call your friends and/or family and lean on them for support
Tell your children fond memories you have of your mother.
Overall make sure to take care of yourself and begin to develop a healthy relationship with your grief.
If you find you are struggling to do this, you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out for support.
I wish you a meaningful and wonderful Mother’s Day!