For the Motherless Mother on Mother's Day
Mother’s Day can be especially hard for those of us who have lost our mothers and are currently mothers. You may be asking yourself how can I celebrate this day and embrace the love my children and my partner are bestowing upon me while grieving the loss of my mom?
I’ve spoken with women who say they feel like they are wearing a mask and faking the enjoyment as their children give them homemade gifts. I’ve heard women say I just avoid thinking about my mom and yet find myself irritable and unable to enjoy the day.
Greif is an interesting thing. If we don’t lean into it and acknowledge it, it can pop up in unexpected ways. So how do you simultaneously lean into the grief of the loss of your mom and accept and embrace the love and appreciation your children are giving you on this special day.
First, I think it’s important to accept that when we loose someone significant in our lives we are forever changed. We are welcomed into a club that we never wanted to belong to and yet here we are. Grief just doesn’t go away if we ignore it, compartmentalize it or run from it.
We have to accept that grief walks alongside us. We have to work on creating a healthy relationship with our grief.
Grief represents the love, the attachment, the bond we felt for our mothers. By acknowledging this we can start not only accepting it but also embracing it. Remembering all the wonderful memories, lessons and love our mothers gave us. Acknowledging that our mothers are part of us and one of the ways we express that on a daily basis is through our mothering of our children. Many mothers have moments good and bad where we find ourselves saying or acting exactly how are mothers did. Our mothers influence the way we parent; for some of us we want to parent exactly the way they did while for others our mothers have taught us that we want to parent differently.
On this Mother’s Day, for all the motherless mothers my hope for you is that you can start working toward the ability to hold both the grief you feel for the loss of your mom and the love and appreciation you are receiving from your children. Some ways to do this are the following:
Create a ritual to remember your mother. You can decide if it feels better to do this alone or with your children. For example, my mother loved to garden her whole life. I have memories of her proudly watering the freshly planted flowers in the front yard. Every Mother’s Day since her death my children and I plant flowers in remembrance of her.
Carve out time on Mother’s Day to be alone to journal or reflect on the grief you are feeling.
Call your friends and/or family and lean on them for support
Tell your children fond memories you have of your mother.
Overall make sure to take care of yourself and begin to develop a healthy relationship with your grief.
If you find you are struggling to do this, you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out for support.
I wish you a meaningful and wonderful Mother’s Day!